New year

Was God with me that day
As I moved out of the house
And I wept until my hands
Turned slippery on the wheel.

Was God with me that night
When the shadows were strange
And I could not breathe
And I woke not able to see or think.

Was God with me that hour
As the year faded to nothing
And the fireworks shouted
And my heart wanted to die

I was alone. I even had the flu.
It was perfect. They might have
Found me on the bathroom floor
If I wasn’t so scared of death.

One year ago and I said next
Year would be different.
But it was the same
It was exactly the same.

I was alone. My heart was feverish.
Kitchen knives, bathroom pills, but
No balcony to jump. And still
I was too scared of death.

I am not brave. I am not strong.
I called upon no higher power.
I drank half a bottle of champagne
And wrote poetry.

Was God with me that hour
When the fireworks were magic
And I sat in the window
And listened to the city.

And said next year
I will be different.

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