I can’t take all the credit

I would like to believe I’m “cured”
   depression over
   equilibrium found.
But I suspect this is not quite true
   because I can feel it
   beneath the surface
   biding its time
   waiting for an opening.
And although I have made much progress
   my day-to-day happiness
   may depend greatly
   on the modern pharmacy.
My new confidence might be born
   of conquering fears
   and healing wounds
But my heart reminds me
   of the pill bottle
   waiting for me
   by the bathroom sink.

Odd feeling

what is this odd feeling
so vaguely familiar like
a memory from long
ago barely remembered
except at the edge of sleep
I may have to consult
my dictionary but I think
it’s called happiness
because the sun sparkled
extra bright on the lake
this morning and the
clouds popped through
my window in such sharp
focus that I caught myself
singing to the cat about
those seven half-built
manors and I am startled
by the intensity of this
emotion and the thought
of how depressed I must
have been for the contrast
to be so great and yet an
undercurrent of sadness
remains because it took
a pill to remove barriers
to this feeling and why
couldn’t I get it on my
own and what did people
do before all the powders
and the pills except place
stones in their pockets
and step into the river
oh what else might
Virginia have written
if she had the modern
pharmacy at her disposal
or would it all be crap
if we took away her pain
I have no answers and
at this moment I don’t
want any I only want
to live in this moment
this happiness

Day seven

Day seven and I feel
   amazingly better
Can’t blame all my
   queasiness on pills
Cramps may have had
   something to do with it
And the jitters appear
   to have lessened
But soon I will up the dose
   to full strength
Oh what wonders await me
   at 50 milligrams
And am I happy this week
   because the bills are paid
And the checking account
   is not overdrawn
And vacation is finally
   within spitting distance
Or are the pills at work
   like busy little bees
   in my blood

Day six

I am still shaky in the morning
And tired
I woke again at 5:30
After struggling to fall asleep
For an eternity
I was tired
I know I was tired
But I took a pill
And was wide awake
Turning restlessly
Legs thrashing about
Oddly upset
Because the lights outside my window
Seen through my near-sighted blur
Were not their usual friendly twinkle
But seemed hostile
Arranging themselves
Into multi-eyed monsters
Ready to sit on my chest
And suffocate me
My thoughts ran round in circles
Is the cure worth the cost
Nausea and hunger
Constant shakiness
As if I might stumble into a wall
At any moment
Enhancing my already terminal
Clumsiness
And who knows what’s going on inside
Is the drug preventing negative thoughts
Or do the thoughts begin
Only to be diverted before reaching
My consciousness
Before spawning tears or frowns
And where do they go then
If no energy is ever destroyed
Are my negative thoughts transforming
Into my stomach pangs
And muscle twitches
Or are they evaporating off my body
Somehow
Am I endangering other people
With my extraneous anxiety
Can it be recycled
Fuel a small office building
Maybe they would pay me
To be on this drug
Keep their computer banks running
And their fluorescent lights glowing
Or could I donate my anxiety
To a third world country
Collect it in fuel cells
Transport it in metal lockers labeled
Warning: toxic anxiety
Handle with care
I am not afraid
But I do not want to trade
One kind of pain for another
And why oh why
Did I dream last night
(Could it be the drug)
Of buying pie with my sister

Little blue pills

I trust these little blue pills
Will be good for me eventually
But my body protests
I am vaguely nauseous
I wake early one morning
In waves of sickness
I crawl to the bathroom
Crouch on the cool tiles
Keep my head between my knees
Silently chanting
“Don’t be sick, don’t be sick”
Until it passes
Leaving every muscle trembling
But do I blame the pills
Or that double chocolate donut
Bought on a whim
At a franchise of questionable
Cleanliness
I think I am shakier than normal
And hungrier too
But I also have caffeine withdrawal
So how to tell
What is real
What is in my head
Moot point I guess
Because it’s all in my head
Chemicals dissolving in my bloodstream
Traveling to my brain
Affecting the way my neurons fire
Remapping – rewiring
I’ve no idea what’s being done
But I’m less scared than usual
Does that mean it’s working